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- #31- From Thief to Teacher: Discovering "Joy" through the shadows of comparison
#31- From Thief to Teacher: Discovering "Joy" through the shadows of comparison
Ness Monsequeira
February 18, 2024
The Nature of Leadership and Career
read time 6 minutes
The Nature of Leadership and Career, is a weekly newsletter where I provide 1 illustration and ~3 ideas to help you connect to your career, leadership, or work journey in a more natural way.
Today at a glance
Illustration of the week
- The other side of comparison
Launches
— Bookclub - guest appearance by the author!
The Nature of Career
- The comparison loop we all fall into
- What and why of social comparison
- The two types of social comparisons
- 4 examples to help you work through comparing yourself to others
Illustration of the Week
Women Wonder Book Club!
Exciting news! The author Mita Mallick of our first bookclub book Reimagine Inclusion will make a guest appearance in the last 15 minutes of our session.
February 28 will be our first session of the Women Wonder Book Club
“I need to stop comparing myself to others.”
“Comparison is the thief of joy”
“Comparison is the root of all evil.”
This is a common sequence I hear from coaches, friends, colleagues, and myself.
The failed yet repeated formula looks something like this:
We compare ourselves and feel bad or good ↩
We believe we shouldn’t make comparisons ↩
We tell ourselves to stop comparing ↩
We remind ourselves a nice quote ↩
We continue to compare ourselves to others!
Source: Giphy
It's a maddening loop.
Why do we keep doing it?
Why do behaviors and emotions like comparison, jealousy, and envy even exist?
Today let’s dive into everything you need to know about how to work through social comparison at work.
Social comparison theory first proposed by Festinger (1954) refers to the natural human condition in which we evaluate our abilities, opinions, attitudes, feelings, physical features, accomplishments, or any other characteristics in relation to other individuals or groups.
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
Image Source: Unsplash
There are a bunch of reasons:
To improve our skills and abilities. (Wills, 1981)
To protect and enhance our self-esteem. (Wills, 1981)
It’s an evolutionary function that helps the brain save cognitive resources by providing efficient strategies to make judgments and decisions. (Kedia, Mussweiler, Linden, 2014)
Social comparison that results in a desirable outcome i.e. comparing ourselves and feeling better, hits the reward center in our brain. So it becomes an addictive habit. (Kedia, Mussweiler, Linden, 2014)
To know whether to conform and stay part of the “pack” so we won’t be ostracized. From an evolutionary standpoint, exclusion from the pack would have meant death.
An area that has been less researched but evident to observers is that professionals are increasingly encouraged to have their own “personal brands”. Consequently we compare ourselves to stand out and have “unique selling points”.
Takeaway: Trying to suppress social comparison and instructing ourselves not to compare is futile because it's an ingrained evolutionary process that's further strengthened by societal norms
Where things get interesting are the types of comparisons we make and why we make them.
Upward comparison occurs when people compare themselves to someone/ a group they perceive to be superior (Wheeler, 1966).
Downward comparison is defined by making a comparison with someone/ a group perceived to be inferior (Wills, 1981).
Upward social comparison can make us feel worse.
Downward social comparison is interesting. It can make us feel better as we perceive being “above” others.
But for those of us with increased self-awareness and observation of ego in the long run it can make us feel neutral or worse as we understand why we are engaging in the behavior.
3 instances when social comparison is useful in your career
✅ understanding different perspectives.
✅ developing your work identity.
✅ observing career pathways.
3 instances when social comparison damaging in your career
❌ Feeling inferior leads to “playing smaller” and not taking chances.
❌ Feeling superior can change how we treat others or increase narcissistic tendencies.
❌ We might agree and conform more often (groupthink)and less likely to stand up for ourselves and others for fear of being ostracized.
All types of comparison give you data points that can direct your emotions and actions.
4 examples to help you work through comparing yourself to others
Image source: Unsplash
That you compare is not the issue. We all do. It’s part of the human condition.
Why you compare is more interesting.
What you do with that insight is key.
Get curious.
Why am I comparing?
Example 1
Upward comparison: You compare yourself to others in your workplace or on LinkedIn to evaluate your progress in your career by assessing their achievements within a similar timeframe.
Possible emotional drivers: Not feeling like you are enough. The need to feel validated.
Ask yourself: Why don’t I feel enough? Am I equating progress and doing enough to being enough? What do I want to do about it? How objective is the comparison I am making between myself and others?
Example 2
Upward comparison: You look at different LinkedIn profiles for potential career pathways and to answer the question What do I want for the next phase of my career? What have been other people's career pathways to achieve XX position? How long did it take them?
Possible emotions: This might bring up feelings of excitement and inspiration of what you can achieve as well as feelings of overwhelm - how can I get there or dejection - can I ever get there?
Ask yourself: What do I need to do to harness the feelings of excitement and possibility and feel my way through the overwhelm? Where do I want to go? Who can help me get there? What emphasis do I place on time / timeframes? Why?
Example 3
Downward comparison: You just got a promotion and look around at who did and did not get a promotion.
Possible emotional drivers: Need to feel important, feeling insecure and needing a proof point of self-worth.
Ask yourself: What does this achievement signify to me? Why do I need to compare myself to others in this process? How good do I feel and for how long after I compare myself to others? Is it worth it?
Social comparison once we have achieved an outcome is particularly important to pay attention to because it hits the reward center of our brain and we want to keep doing it.
Example 4
Downward social comparison: You are unhappy in your job. You remind yourself that at least you have it better than people who just got made redundant or the people in “less fortunate than you.”
Possible emotional driver: Need to feel better about yourself or guilt for not feeling grateful enough.
Ask yourself: Is this helpful to me in the long run? Is this fair and sincere to the person or group I am comparing myself to? Would I say “I am unhappy but at least I have it better than you?” to the person or group I am comparing myself to?
This is an interesting example. There is nothing wrong with being grateful for what you have and recognizing your privilege. We should.
Adding a downward social comparison means comparing yourself to others whom you perceive as inferior to you, with the intention of boosting your own self-esteem and feeling better about your situation.
For all social comparison situations here are 3 useful questions:
How and when am I using others as a barometer?
What can I do to keep myself in check to make sure I am not falling into feeling inferior or superior to others?
To what point do I need to look to others as a comparative tool vs charting my own path?
Key Takeaways
- Meet comparison with curiosity.
- Meet comparison with compassion - we all do it.
- Understand why you are doing it upward or downward i.e. what is the underlying emotional driver.
- Decide how you want to work through it.
Whenever you’re ready here are 3 ways I can help
#1 Gain clarity and confidence in your career transition
#2 Join the free weekly Career Soul Sessions for women in tech and sustainability. A safe space to share your thoughts, and feelings on all things career.
#3 Follow me on LinkedIn and Instagram for more Career + Leadership tips to help you thrive.