The Nature of Leadership and Career

read time 5 minutes

The Nature of Leadership and Career, is a weekly newsletter where I provide 1 illustration and ~3 ideas to help you connect to your career, leadership, or work journey in a more natural way.

Today at a glance

• Illustration of the week

  - Needing feedback - the dopamine loop

• The Nature of Career

  - The dark side of positive feedback

  - Vicious loops

  - 5 hard truths behind why people aren’t giving you feedback

  - The key to re-wiring your over reliance on positive feedback

• Career Product, Person, Process of the week!

  • Quest for Career Clarity with Izzy Piyale -Sheard

Illustration of the Week

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The Nature of Career

Let’s get into a bit of “doing” straight away. 

Take out a piece of paper. 

You are going to draw two circles. 

1. The first size of the first circle represents the amount of value you place on external feedback to measure your worth and progress. 

2. The second circle represents the amount of value you place on self-validation to measure your worth and progress. 

How does the size of the two circles compare?

If you are like most people, your first circle is bigger than the second circle. 

The dark side of positive feedback; the more we get the more we want. 

This is because the positive feedback loop plays on the dopamine loop (also known as the reward loop) in the brain.

The reliance on feedback can become a habit/addiction in much the same way as we get addicted to coffee, sugar, social media, or our smartphones.

The dark side of positive feedback is when we stop using feedback as merely an indicator to learn and adapt and start relying on it as a marker of self-worth, confidence, and significance. 

If you are seeing yourself in this pattern, DON’T FREAK OUT.

This is very common in women in tech who are high achievers, and/or people pleasers.

There is nothing wrong with wanting regular feedback to check in on our progress at work or in life. Regular feedback helps us learn, grow, and manage expectations and perceptions. 

But beware of the vicious loops!

Vicious loop 1 - Crossing boundaries for “the next hit” of positive feedback

You start crossing your time and well-being boundaries to get that “next hit” of feel-good positive e.g.

You find yourself crossing your boundaries in pursuit of that "next hit" of positive feedback, for example:

• Working longer hours for visibility or recognition.

• Canceling social plans due to overwork.

• Neglecting self-care activities like gym, gardening, or meditation.

Ironically, the more you work, the lower the quality of your output, as fatigue hampers accuracy, creativity, and problem-solving.

Attempting to maintain previous levels of productivity leads to even longer hours, further taxing your tired brain and body.

While positive feedback may seem like a reward, it comes at a greater cost to your health. This cycle can eventually lead to burnout, resignation, or persistent mental and physical challenges.

Vicious loop 2 - Working longer hours keeps you working longer hours

You consistently produce high-volume high-quality output. However, unbeknownst to your boss, colleagues, and stakeholders that you seek positive affirmation from, you are working longer and longer hours to maintain this standard (see Vicious loop 1). 

You have a precedent of performance based on unsustainable hours.

You know this is not good for your health. But when you think about tapering back your hours, the fear of losing the positive feedback (the dopamine hit) and your reputation is overwhelming.

So you get stuck in this self-imposed loop of performance based on a deeper fear of losing what you are truly craving; recognition, confidence, worthiness.

What happens when you don’t get the feedback?

The need and sometimes neediness for feedback gets exacerbated when you don’t get the feedback for some reason.

This deprives both your dopamine hit and your deeper craving.

At these times keep this in mind:

Are you willing to give your time, worth, and value to people who may be operating under one or more of the conditions above?

The key to rewiring your over-reliance on positive feedback

There is no overnight solution to shift the imbalance of reliance we place on external feedback and approval from others. 

Mainly because you need to unwire the dopamine loop which has had years of positive reinforcement and urges you to keep going. 

The main way to break the cycle is to understand what is at the heart of your craving. Is it one or more of confidence, self-worth, significance, performance?

Then ask yourself;

When I asked people I coach this question. The answer is often “I don’t know.”

Stay with the not-knowing. Deep down, you do know.

It might take some work and some time to figure out what works for you. 

In the meantime, here are some things to try:

🛑 STOP: Catch yourself when you start judging your self-worth, progress, confidence, etc based on the absence of feedback.

🟢 START: Redistribute the size of your second circle by regularly writing down positive re-writes of the negative things you think about your confidence, worth, or value.

🛑 STOP Asking for blanked vague feedback regularly. 

i.e Instead of: “I would appreciate some feedback on XX document?”

🟢 START Asking for very specific feedback on your work at reasonable time intervals

🛑 STOP Working longer hours to “be productive” and achieve more

🟢 START Start learning how to manage people’s perceptions of your performance. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the people who progress more aren’t working harder. They are working smarter.

e.g. “ What is one thing you like? What is one thing you didn’t understand? What is one thing that could be improved?”

REMEMBER: The 5 hard truths behind why people aren’t giving you feedback

If you need help with stepping into your confidence and breaking habits that no longer serve you, let’s chat. I would love to help you.

Product / Person / Process of the Week!

A new weekly segment where I highlight a product, person, or process that is in service to your career. I only recommend people, products, and processes I know or have experience with and I do not receive any monetary or affiliate benefit.

For those of you currently embarking on a job search and application process, Izzy Piayle Sheard is running a 3 part workshop. I’ve worked with Izzy and can highly recommend him. Jump in!

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