The Nature of Leadership and Career

read time 5 minutes

The Nature of Leadership and Career, is a weekly newsletter where I provide 1 illustration and ~3 ideas to help you connect to your career, leadership, or work journey in a more natural way.

Today at a glance

• Illustration of the week

  - Dissolving rejection

• The Nature of Career

  - Why rejection hurts so much

  - Vicious loops

  - 7 common career rejection situations

  - Two approaches to dissolving feelings of career rejection

• Career Product, Person, Process of the week!

  • Product: TealHq

Illustration of the Week

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This is why rejection hurts so much

“I didn’t get the promotion.”

“I haven’t been called to a single interview”

“I didn’t get the job offer after the final round”

………….

“It feels like a punch in the gut.”

Is there a difference between being punched in the gut and not getting a job or a promotion?

Logically we would say yes there is a difference.

The first is physical pain and the latter is an emotional pain that arises from being rejected.

However, according to neuroscience our brains recognize and process physical pain (e.g. an injury)  and social pain e.g. rejection from a job, in the same way.

So now that we know the pain of rejection is felt in a “real” way by our brain, how do we use the knowledge to deal with career rejection?

Understand common career rejection triggers and know how to deal with them!

7  Common Career Rejection Situations

1. Missing out on a promotion

2. Being fired/made redundant

3. Being demoted or managed out

4. Not getting a job (or even an interview)

5. Being excluded from a group/committee

6. Refusal from someone for career advice/support

7. Being criticized or put down continually for your work (see gaslighting)

When we experience one or more of these we can become more sensitive to rejection in the future.

The question we then have to ask ourselves is:

How often am I holding myself back from a career opportunity due to fear of rejection?

Holding yourself back might look like complete avoidance, procrastination, or half-baked attempts.

If your answer is sometimes, often, or all time.

You’re not alone. You are human. 

We all avoid pain and move toward pleasure according to the psychological principle of hedonic motivation.

To make bold career moves we need to embrace rejection.

Here are two approaches to dissolving your fear and feelings of work-related rejection

Approach 1- Feel it and get to the core of the rejection

1. Observe how the pain of rejection arises in your body in a real way. Is it arising in your throat, heart, gut, other?

2. Ask yourself what is really under this painful rejection?

3. Re-write / meet that underlying worry with mindful self-compassion. 

#1 Actual Rejection Example:

You don’t get a job after multiple interviews.

Common thoughts from women I coach:

• “I am a loser.”

• “I am not good enough.”

• “Everyone is better than me.”

• “What if I don’t have what it takes?”

1. You observe the pain in your throat. You stay with it and slowly it dissolves.

2. What is under the pain? A belief that you are are not enough.

3. Re-write this negative script with compassionate words: e.g. “I am enough”. Say it and feel it.

#2 Perceived rejection example

You reach out to people on Linkedin for mentorship or a job opportunity.

You haven't heard back from anyone …yet.

Common thought loops from women I coach:

• “I am not worth helping.”

• “I am wasting people's time.”

• “What if I never progress?”

• “They don’t think I have good enough experience.”

1. You observe the tension in your shoulders. You stay with it and slowly it dissolves.

2. What is under the pain? Not feeling worthy.

3. Re-write this negative script with compassionate words:  e.g. “I am worthy of people’s time and support.”

Funnily enough a few people ended up replying to your outreach messages, they were just busy and delayed with their priorities.

The second example can often be more emotionally damaging than the first because we torture ourselves with all the reasons that “rejection” might have occurred.

🛑 Stop yourself from overthinking. Rumination is energy and soul-sapping.

Approach 2 - Embrace rejection

If you fear career rejection, expose yourself to more of it.

WHAT?!

This is a process in psychology called systematic desensitization. It was originally developed to treat phobias and anxiety. 

There are two types of exposure:

1. Imagined visualisation / simulation of feared scenario (in vitro) 

2. Exposure to your feared scenario (in vivo).

There three steps; 

1. Relaxation training

2. Creating a fear / anxiety hierarchy; and

3. Gradual exposure. 

Career rejection exposure examples

In vitro - interview simulation scenario

1. Get yourself into a calm state - e.g.mindfulness or meditation. 

2. Imagine yourself in an interview scenario and receiving a rejection email.

3. Work through the emotion in the heart-based approach #1 above.

In vivo - job application scenario

1. Get yourself into a calm state - e.g.mindfulness or meditation. 

2. Apply for multiple jobs (use best practice approach e.g. avoid instant application online)

3. Reach out and network with multiple people.

4. Expect rejection either in the form of no one contacting you back, ghosting or people saying no.

5. If and when you do get rejected, work through the heart-based approach #1 above.

Throughout the desensitization process make sure that you are tracking the learning opportunities and any trends from rejection. 

Use it to iterate your approach where necessary to increase the odds of getting the job, promotion, mentor, etc. 

Most importantly remember to decouple rejection from your self-worth. 

❤️‍🔥 Be bold in your career transition. You’ve got this. 

I help women to step in, step up or step out of roles with courage using a head and heart-centred approach. If you’re in transition. Let’s chat. I would love to help you.

Product / Person / Process of the Week!

A new weekly segment where I highlight a product, person, or process that is in service to your career. I only recommend people, products, and processes I know or have experience with and I do not receive any monetary or affiliate benefit.

TealHQ is an amazing free online software to track your job search, customize your CV to different roles, and automating your job search with insights and recommendations.

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